Lanie and Chris's Wedding Blog

Ben, most people would turn you away…and I am most people.
June 19, 2009, 7:27 am
Filed under: Photos, This and That, We hate this F*@#ing apartment

Right now you might be reviewing the post time of this entry and wondering to yourself, “Wow! Lanie is really off to an early start with her blogging today!” It’s not by choice. I can’t go back to bed because of the adrenaline coursing through my system.

Let me begin at the beginning:

While Chris and I truly ADORE our neighbors, we really, really hate this apartment. That hatred has generally been fueled by overpriced rent, lack of space and really drunk day laborers within 10 feet of the front door – but in case all that wasn’t enough, we recently had an extra special addition to the list of things we hate about this place.

Our building is old and frequently has plumbing problems. Our neighbor E just had to have her pipes snaked (HEY-O!!). I’m thinking that that, combined with the amount of rain we’ve had during the yearly June Gloom, is the reason that a rat decided to go through the spigot in the bath tub and live our house for a week and change. It’s possible. The internet says so.

Chris heard a noise in the bathroom, opened the shower and was promptly deafened by my screaming. I don’t think the rat’s hearing was damaged since the fucker ran out of the bathroom faster than the speed of sound. We were 99% sure he didn’t get past both of us and into the living room, so that night we left the cat in the back of the house and moved the dog’s bed to the only doorway that separates the back of the house from the living room. We left the back door open and spent a restless night on the couch being protected by our pets.

After several freaked-out days with no rat evidence, I figured he was gone. Turns out rats can’t find their own way out of a 1st floor apartment with 2 open doors worth a damn. Last night while watching TV, Chris heard the sound of cardboard being gnawed. He moved a storage box out from under the couch and the rat ran out! He and Calliope chased it around the living room for over an hour without successfully getting it out the front door. They eventually lost track of it and Chris was insane enough to tell me about it at 1:30am when he picked me up from work. Of course I wanted to stay in a hotel until the apartment could be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up with no rats, but Chris is mean and made me stay home.

Sleep Tip #37: There is nothing worse for your REM cycle than knowing there’s vermin somewhere in your home. I had just lulled myself to sleep by convincing myself (with no rationality to back it up) that the rat absolutely HAD to be in the living room and not in my bedroom waiting to gnaw my face off.

I was wrong. If my reader(s) own(s) a cat they know that one of the worst sounds you could ever hear in the middle of the night is that soft but deliberate patter of a cat trying to catch something in your bedroom. While the killer instinct is appreciated, it’s never comforting to know that you are in close proximity to something that requires killing.

I heard her pounce and shot up, totally awake and sounded the rat alarm. Chris thought I was insane, but unfortunately I was not. The rat was IN THE BEDROOM. The cat was going nuts; there was no way I was going to sleep. After about half an hour of coaxing and convincing him he wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway (I’d make sure of it), I was able to get Chris to help me block the cracks under the doors in the bedroom with bathmats. I then put on snow boots. Next we put the bed frame on risers and began pulling things out, one at a time, placing rat-free items on top of the bed.


The Hunt

I pulled out a rolled up yoga mat thing and the rat came shooting out. The only time I ever heard a sound of such pure terror come out of my body was when I was being mugged and beaten up. It was like an animal sound.

It ran under another piece of furniture and we chased it around with a broom and trash can screaming and yelling at 5am until it finally took solace in a very ironic spot – the cat litter box. I threw a towel over the box and, within mere seconds, had formulated the genius plan of wrapping the whole litter box in plastic wrap so we could transport it outside without it escaping.


Sealed for your safety

We took the box waaaay down the street to a large yard with ivy in front. That ivy groundcover stuff is like rat heaven, so I figured they already had rat issues and what’s one more? I cut the plastic and threw off the towel. Once you get it out of your own house, it’s actually quite easy to feel bad for a rat. Especially when it’s scared and sitting next to a cat turd. We waited and waited and finally had to tip the box over to make it run away.

Rat and Turd

Rat and Turd

And it did run away. And I feel good not poisoning it or snapping it’s neck or turning my pets into killing machines. But I swear if that little bastard even thinks about coming back all bets are off.


1 Comment so far
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i think i damaged my keyboard with the stream of tears created by my hysterical laughter.

Comment by susan

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